Skip to main content

Humor: Offshoring The Right Job

OUTSOURCING JOBS REACHES NEW HEIGHTS

by Staff Reporter Melynda Jill

Washington DC- Congress today announced that the Office of President
of the United States will be outsourced to overseas interests as of
June 30th, the end of this fiscal year. The move is being made to save
$400K a year in salary, a record $521 Billion in deficit expenditures
and related overhead.

"The cost savings will be quite significant" says Congressman Adam
Smith (D - Wash) who, with the aid of the GAO (the General Accounting
Office) has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. "We
simply can no longer afford this level of outlay and remain competitive
in the world stage", Congressman Smith said.

Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of the termination of his
position. He will receive health coverage, expenses and salary until
his final day of employment. After that, with a two week waiting
period, he will then be eligible for $240 dollars a week from
unemployment insurance for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be able
to receive state Medicaid health insurance coverage as his unemployment
benefits are over the required limit.

Preparations have been underway for some time for the job move. Sanji
Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices,Mumbai,India, will be assuming
the Office of President of the United States as of July 1.

Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his parents were here on
student visas, thus making him eligible for the position. He will
receive a salary of $320 (US$) a month but with no health coverage or
other benefits. Due to the time difference between the US and India,
Mr. Singh will be working primarily at night, when offices of the US
Government will be open.

"I am excited to serve in this position," Mr. Singh stated in an
exclusive interview. "Working nights will let me keep my day job at the
American Express call center. I always knew I could be President
someday."

Congress stressed patience when calling Mr. Singh as he may not be
fully aware of all the issues involved with his new position. A
Congressional Spokesperson noted that Mr. Singh has been given a script
tree to follow which will allow him to respond to most topics of
concern. The Spokesperson further noted that "additional savings will
be realized as these scripting tools have been successfully used by Mr.
Bush and will enable Mr. Singh to provide an answer without having to
fully understand the issue itself."

Mr. Bush has been offered the use of a Congressional Page to help him
write a resume and prep for his upcoming job transition. According to
Manpower, Inc., the placement firm, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in
securing a new position as job prospects in the Sports Franchise
Ownership arena remain limited. A recently released report from the
Pentagon suggests a good prospect for him as a newly unemployed person
may be in the Army National Guard. There he would be called up with his
unit and stationed in Iraq, a country he has visited briefly before.
"I've been there, I know all about Iraq and the conditions there,"
stated Mr. Bush. He gained invaluable knowledge of the country in his
first visit at the Baghdad Airport non-smoking terminal and gift shop.

Meanwhile in Baghdad and Falluja, Iraq, sources report that local
Iraqis say Mr. Bush would receive an especially warm reception from
them. Such sources stated the Iraqis only request would be to be
informed of which convoy he would be riding in order to give him the
welcome he deserves.

Congress continues to explore other outsourcing possibilities
including that of Vice-president and most Cabinet positions.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

1000 Greatest Movies

Found on Misanthropic-Tendencies From the NY Times - The Best 1,000 Movies Ever Made I've highlighted the ones I've seen from the list. As it is a big list, I've set it to be hidden. I've added some favorite quotes to ones I've seen. Show/Hide the list below A À Nous la Liberté (1932) About Schmidt (2002) Absence of Malice (1981) Adam’s Rib (1949) Adaptation (2002) The Adjuster (1991) The Adventures of Robin Hood (1938) Affliction (1998) The African Queen (1952) L’Age d’Or (1930, reviewed 1964) Aguirre, the Wrath of God (1972, reviewed 1977) A.I. (2001) Airplane! (1980) "I picked the wrong week to give up sniffing glue" Aladdin (1992) "Poof! Whaddya want?" Alexander Nevsky (1939) Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore (1975) Alice’s Restaurant (1969) Aliens (1986) '...In space no one can hear you scream.' All About Eve (1950) All About My Mother (1999) All Quiet on the Western Front (1930) All That...

Hiking Blodgett Peak 12/25/2005

So Christmas day Sunday, but we don't do Christmas. And a day off Monday. No real plans until Sunday evening for Channukah. My toe finally feels well enough for a hike. Blodgett Peak has been calling to me for months - especially since I learned there was a geocache on top. So I get up a bit early - early for a day off from work - and head out for a hike. I don't know how far I'll get - but I want to at least get to the top of Blodgett Peak. I've got about 8 geocaches I can try for, depending on how I do. A couple are up in Pike National Forrest, past Blodgett Peak. It is slower going than I expected. I spend more time than I wanted looking for the first 4 geocaches - I only found 2 of them. The trail is Icy and muddy. It is not a great trail - it is not well prepared like the trail going up Pikes Peak. It is very easy to lose the trail - subtle paths seem to go off in many directions. In many places, the trail seems to go up very steep, loose gravel. Step...

I Voted, Colorado

Voting is different here in Colorado than it was back on the East Coast. In New Jersey, and I remember it was the same basic things when my parents voted in New York, the voting was in a mechanical voting booth. You would go to a desk and sign the big book. The would give you a sheet of paper. You would take the paper over to a voting machine. An assistant would take the paper and put it somewhere on the side of the machine. You would pull a big mechanical handle that would close the curtain behind you. Then you would flip the levers to indicate your vote. After, you would push the big handle, which would record your vote, reset the levers and open the curtain. Here in Colorado, the beginning of the process is the same. You wait on line and sign the big book. I went with my wife, as she dropped her car off for service. At first she was going to vote before she dropped off her car. But she called me to tell me the line was an hour long. After I picked her up at the shop,...