2004-07-16

Humor: Offshoring The Right Job

OUTSOURCING JOBS REACHES NEW HEIGHTS

by Staff Reporter Melynda Jill

Washington DC- Congress today announced that the Office of President
of the United States will be outsourced to overseas interests as of
June 30th, the end of this fiscal year. The move is being made to save
$400K a year in salary, a record $521 Billion in deficit expenditures
and related overhead.

"The cost savings will be quite significant" says Congressman Adam
Smith (D - Wash) who, with the aid of the GAO (the General Accounting
Office) has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. "We
simply can no longer afford this level of outlay and remain competitive
in the world stage", Congressman Smith said.

Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of the termination of his
position. He will receive health coverage, expenses and salary until
his final day of employment. After that, with a two week waiting
period, he will then be eligible for $240 dollars a week from
unemployment insurance for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be able
to receive state Medicaid health insurance coverage as his unemployment
benefits are over the required limit.

Preparations have been underway for some time for the job move. Sanji
Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices,Mumbai,India, will be assuming
the Office of President of the United States as of July 1.

Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his parents were here on
student visas, thus making him eligible for the position. He will
receive a salary of $320 (US$) a month but with no health coverage or
other benefits. Due to the time difference between the US and India,
Mr. Singh will be working primarily at night, when offices of the US
Government will be open.

"I am excited to serve in this position," Mr. Singh stated in an
exclusive interview. "Working nights will let me keep my day job at the
American Express call center. I always knew I could be President
someday."

Congress stressed patience when calling Mr. Singh as he may not be
fully aware of all the issues involved with his new position. A
Congressional Spokesperson noted that Mr. Singh has been given a script
tree to follow which will allow him to respond to most topics of
concern. The Spokesperson further noted that "additional savings will
be realized as these scripting tools have been successfully used by Mr.
Bush and will enable Mr. Singh to provide an answer without having to
fully understand the issue itself."

Mr. Bush has been offered the use of a Congressional Page to help him
write a resume and prep for his upcoming job transition. According to
Manpower, Inc., the placement firm, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in
securing a new position as job prospects in the Sports Franchise
Ownership arena remain limited. A recently released report from the
Pentagon suggests a good prospect for him as a newly unemployed person
may be in the Army National Guard. There he would be called up with his
unit and stationed in Iraq, a country he has visited briefly before.
"I've been there, I know all about Iraq and the conditions there,"
stated Mr. Bush. He gained invaluable knowledge of the country in his
first visit at the Baghdad Airport non-smoking terminal and gift shop.

Meanwhile in Baghdad and Falluja, Iraq, sources report that local
Iraqis say Mr. Bush would receive an especially warm reception from
them. Such sources stated the Iraqis only request would be to be
informed of which convoy he would be riding in order to give him the
welcome he deserves.

Congress continues to explore other outsourcing possibilities
including that of Vice-president and most Cabinet positions.

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